So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
