Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
