life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
