Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
