Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Randomize
