You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
