mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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