I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
