So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
