your parents love me but you hate me
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Randomize
