There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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