I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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