remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
