She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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