I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
