the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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