when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
