another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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