plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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