You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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