I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
