seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
