I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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