I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
