I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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