how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
