I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Randomize
