Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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