Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
