Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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