his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
