so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
