All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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