I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
