I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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