Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
