Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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