whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Randomize
