I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
You are the jesus of drinking
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
