I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
