so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
