She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
