my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Sober January is a disaster.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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