I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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