Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
