my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
