I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
