i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
