somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
