you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Randomize
