I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
