Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
