I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
You're like the curious george of whores
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Randomize
