For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
